Hello World 🙂
I haven’t forgotten about writing. Its just that I have been a single mom for the last 3 days. SP has been away for his MBA classes since Thursday morning and time is just going so quickly. I have just kept doing things one after the other, sometimes mechanically, sometimes purposefully and before I know it, its the end of the day. When he is in town, at least there is the sense of comfort that he is accessible by phone, although, if I call him at 10 am, he returns the call at 3pm, by which time, I have already saved the world(our world) twice. LOL! But at least he calls back. These 3 days have been like, he sends a good morning text message, then his phone is switched off till late in the night. I will not lie- it is exhausting, its alienating, but hopefully at the end of 16 months, it will be all worth it 🙂
Ms.A asked me yesterday,” WOW, it must be exhausting being a single mom ” I did a quick mental recount of all I had said during the day and couldn’t think of anything that I had said. I asked her,” Why do you say so? Did I say anything? ” and she said, “No, I can tell!” I swear, she has an uncanny way of reading my innermost thoughts. Really, she can! This isn’t the first time its happened, either. Even in the past, she has said something that has left me wide-eyed and open-mouthed, because she has just said what I was thinking about, totally unrelated to whatever we were doing at the time.
Ms.An has been teary and moody, she wants to go to Papa’s house( his hotel room) and she just wants him to be Batman and for her to be his side-kick and then she says in the same breath,” I will not kick papa, its not very nice, I will just be his side-kick ”
SP gets back tonight and we are all looking forward to having the man of home and hearts back. 2 hours to go …

Good morning, world 🙂
I am loving the daily blogging again. It seems like forever since I did that, but as colder weather is here, I can either combat it with chocolate or with soul-searching or random ranting here. Chocolate doesn’t make me feel happy anymore(gasp!) so writing it will be.
So, back to the post, matters of heart are, just that-matters of heart- difficult to explain or understand. You know, sometimes you are suddenly happy and you don’t know why or the time, when your heart is breaking and nothing helps, but a loved one’s hug makes it a little bearable, can you explain those things? Some would say, its just bio-chemical reactions, I disagree- its something way more, something way beyond where the rational mind works.
Some of us, think with our brains and some of us,with our hearts. I think with my heart. I let the brain get involved for a wee-bit but its always the heart that wins. Always. And may be that’s why I guard it so fiercely. I am a people person, I need people around me. But, there are very few people that are allowed into my trusted circle. I wear my heart on my sleeve- you just have to look at my face or hear my voice and you can tell what my mood is like. May be that’s why I am careful, about who I let into my circle. My heart has been broken a few times and it still didn’t learn. But, in the recent times, specially after the girls were born, I am getting smarter or at least I think that I am .
Yesterday, someone commented to me, that she was amazed at how old my friendships are, specially even the ones that were formed after the kids were born. But, that’s just how I am. I invest a lot of time,effort and emotions in all my relationships and so, it is in my best interest to keep them going. It is in my best interest to take my time to nurture them and see them grow. It is my legacy to my kids, or so I think. But, even before having kids, it was my reward for being me, my reward for following my heart. And so, I guess restricting my circle of trust is, in a way, a defence mechanism.
Until recently, the only time, I had broken my unsaid rule was, when I met SP. I met him and I fell, head-over-heels in love, within the first couple of minutes. The mind tried to tell me, to stop! But the heart shushed it. I have to say it was the best decision ever. Even my BFF had to wait longer to get that golden ticket! 🙂 BUT as I said, it was the best decision ever. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else, for without him, it will not be a life, just mere existence.
Then, a couple of days back, I broke the rule again, when I let Mr.T into my circle, into our lives. It started off innocently with cross-posting on FB. He is one of SP’s oldest friend and someone that SP really adores and looks up to. I started a polite chat on FB and realised in less than 5 minutes why SP loves him, so.
Now, he is the elder brother, that I craved for all my life. It was like a connection, just waiting to be made. He, then introduced me to Mrs.R, his bestest half,as he likes to call her(cute, yeah?) and their precious boys. What can I say, I have fallen head-over-heels in love with the whole family. It is amazing to be accepted into someone’s life, wholly and completely, without even having to try. I feel so special that I was accepted like that, even by their kids, specially since they are old enough to make up their own minds. It is that heady feeling that I can’t explain, one that I don’t want to analyse-all I know is that I am happy, SP is happier and the girls have 4 more people that love them. My little family, my world just got a little bigger and now, I won’t have it any other way.

As I said, at the start, matters of the heart are just that.. matters of heart.
xoxo
T

This one is long overdue. Sorry, Rach, it took me forever. I tested a pattern for Faithfully yours Designs in January. The pattern is easy to follow and well written 🙂

I made this for Ms.A, using my no-name brand variegated.I L.O.V.E working with variegated yarn and for my rainbow loving princess this is perfect 🙂

Of course, Ms.An demanded a pair of her own too,so I had to make her one,in toddler size too 🙂

This beautiful pattern is now on sale and can be found here..Go check it out,NOW!

Thanks for letting me test,Rachael 🙂
xoxo
T

Good morning World,

This is one of those because-I-am-happy posts..you know sometimes when you are feeling happy and just have to blog about it-yes this is one of those posts. Besides, I share my angst with you guys, its only fair that you are a party to my happiness 🙂
We had  a good Easter here at  the 15Marbles house.The Easter bunny left LOTS and believe me when I say LOTS I mean lots and lots of chocolate for the two resident brats.

Ms.A, thinks its her job to wake me,when I am fast asleep,to just share random information like, “Mumma, I am going to the toilet, is that OK with you?” “Mumma,I am wondering what will happen next in (Whatever Tween show she is into at the moment!)- you probably get the gist of it, now. But as I was saying, Ms.A, HAS to wake me up, when I am fast asleep..specially after she discovers her birthday pile, Christmas pile etc. but this time,she didn’t. She went around quietly,on her own to find all the eggs,chocolates the Easter Bunny had left. I heard foot steps and waited for excited squeals and shouts of “Mumma,come and check this out!!” Nothing..so I had to get out of bed and by then she had collected all the chocolate and made a huge pile in the middle of the living room floor. She said,she wanted to let me sleep-in, because ” YOu lurvvvee sleep-ins, mumma”. Anyway,after the hugs were done, I asked her to leave the eggs around the house,for Ms.An to find! And she did a good job of it,my beautiful girl! GOSH! She is growing up too fast and I don’t like it!

Then, we woke up Ms.An excitedly, to show her what the Easter bunny had left and OMG!! all hell broke loose!! You see, she couldn’t care less about the chocolates, all she wanted was for Santa to show up and leave her some  presents..THREE Presents. We tried explaining that it’s not Santa’s turn to come this time..but it didn’t work. She sat on the floor and cried,” Whyy, Whyy , Whyyyy?” It was hilarious! We promised her Santa will arrive the next day,if she went to bed early. She put up 5 fingers, and asked,”Will he bring 3 presents?” I counted the fingers,along with her and they were 5! She looked at her hand and then said, “OK I want 5 presents, then!” Anyway,Santa had to pay a visit yesterday night and he left her a present that was forgotten in the cupboard,at Christmas! The look on her face, this morning, when she saw the present…oh wow!! Things like that make this mothering parenting gig all worth it! She whispered softly,” WOW! He really came!” Awww  love my baby girl,love her sense of wonder!

It’s a 4 day weekend here and SP and I have led a student’s life – staying in our PJs all days, burning the midnight oil, studying and sleeping-in. During the day, we took turns entertaining the kids, so the other could study. Actually, no that’s not right. SP spent more time with the girls, than I did. I had an assignment due on Monday and so, my work took priority. And I thanked him by cribbing about feeding the kids, junk food, but seriously if it wasn’t for SP and the junk food, I don’t think I would’ve finished the assignment.

The weekend is almost over and I am already getting withdrawal symptoms. Last few days have been so good, we slept-in pretty much every day, the girls would join us in our bed for morning cuddles & giggles, fight over who got which parent..it was bliss. And then I got thinking, do I really WANT a third baby? Hell yeah! They are so deliciously cuddly and snuggly but they grow up! But, but, but,if there is a third, how will they split us, evenly, between them for morning cuddles? Ms.An has promised to be my baby forever..so when I want to smell that baby smell,I will just cuddle up with BabyN,my neighbour’s 6 month old and hopefully, by the time he’s all grown up, someone else I know will have a new baby and I will get my baby fix 😀
Have a good rest of the week 🙂

xoxo T

Dear Ms.A,
Belated Happy Birthday 🙂 You are an eight year old now,a big rinsponsible( that’s how you say responsible) girl and I am still so in love with you. 8 years back, you came into our lives, almost unexpectedly.We had gone to the hospital for a routine check up and they said I had to stay there,till you came out. Well,it was one month and few days till the due date so,your silly mumma, lay there in that hospital bed, wondering what she would do for the next five weeks. Your dad was busy watching a match and mentally planning what to order at the restaurant after we finished.But you had other plans and a couple of hours later,we were holding you in our arms.And you fit into our crazy life, so well.

I know you love hearing this story over and over again and so I love telling it to you over and over again. I love it how you still want to be my baby,yet so independent. And speaking of independence,what is the deal with no hugs at school drop-offs? I am sorry, sweetheart, you have a crazy mother and you have to live with it.So yeah..you can’t get away with the hugs..nope!not for at least another 10 years. Sibling rivalry is at its peak between Ms.An and you, but as soon as one of you starts crying, the other drops her stance and rushes to hug her.I hope this love keeps growing by the day.

A,you amaze me with your maturity. I was worried about you moving to a new school this year, but you took it in your stride.You consoled your friends and me that changing schools doesn’t change friendships. And you know what? You were right 🙂 Its so much fun hanging out with you-we laugh at the same things,its like living with a mini-me. Yes,you are a mini-me-if we were the same age,we would pass for twins. BUT you are your dad’s attitude mini-me! Actually you are more like him- you both like the same things,you both are equally head-strong and butt heads so often and you both expect me to take your side and then I see you both,discussing things that I have no clue about- a certain app or finding ways to crack a level in a game and its like no-one else exists in your world, not me ,not your sister,just you both.You are the one that’s more upset when he goes away, even if she is the one that claims him as her own.

For your birthday, we gave you a One-Direction CD and a boom-box and you spent most of your day listening to the songs,in your room. Then the day after you had A&A over for a sleepover and it was like having three of you in the house! You oscillate between being the most considerate daughter, sister, friend to not caring about anything in the world, other than yourself. You go from loving me to asking me, ” Why are you so mean? ” in a span of 10 minutes and when I ask you..” What is wrong with you? ” Your response is, ” I can’t control it, mumma ” I guess this is what being a tween is all about. We’ll have to learn the ropes of this new phase together, baby girl.

We may argue, Papa or I might scold you, you might be a brat and we might be tempted to give you away( I SAID, “TEMPTED!! Haven’t given you away yet, have we? “) but we still love you. We will ALWAYS love you.
Keep shining and keep smiling, my Pop star ! When your teacher asked your class what each one of you wants to be, when they grow up, you said, A Pop star! So, keep singing, my little heart and keep believing in magic and the unicorns and super-heroes, because remember when you believe, magic happens. Love you so much, my gorgeous girl!!

xoxoxoxo Mumma

“Is it worth it?”, that’s a question I have asked myself so many times in the last week or two or three. I have really fought with myself about putting this post up-I don’t know why. May be because a lot of you, that read the blog, know me personally. But, finally the need to put it out there is greater than the fear of being judged or seen as a failure.

I don’t  know where to begin. I suppose I could start with SP working long hours. He leaves at 7am,sometimes even earlier and is gone for a good 13-14 hours each day. Most days he brings work home and starts working again after a rushed dinner.Rushed dinner, because its getting late for the kids bedtime and they WANT to eat dinner with their father. So, I am yelling at them to finish their food, talk less, go to bed! They want me to tuck them in, but I am too exhausted. ALL I WANT IS FOR THEM TO SLEEP! Sometimes, like last night, Ms.An decides that sleeping is for the weak and refuses to go to bed. I get in bed with her, hoping to put her to sleep, but my mind is ticking, with all the things that I still need to do and the longer she takes to fall asleep, the angrier I get and the longer it takes me fall asleep! And before you suggest, SP tucking her in, it doesn’t work. She still waits for me. That’s even more annoying.But with all these long hours, I have a new found respect for all the single moms or the ones with travelling partners,but I wonder..is it worth it- all the yelling,all exhaustion?

Mornings are no different. I wake up, try to wake up Ms.A, she rolls over and wants 5 more minutes in bed. If its my day off, I let Ms.An, sleep a little longer. If its my work day, which means she has to be dressed and fed too, ready for drop off at her childcare. I will talk about childcare in a minute, let me finish with Ms.A. So, Ms.A, after I wake her up for the 5th time,she jumps out of bed and is ready. Brekky, lunch ( I HAVE to cook/make something fresh for her-that’s my obsession) cooked /fed/packed and my first alarm goes off -by which time, all I have done is yelled at them to keep moving/eating/stop talking. By this time, I still haven’t had my cup of tea or coffee. If the hair is done, we leave after the first alarm. If it isn’t then, its my cue to start doing their hair. Hair done, second alarm goes and we HAVE to be out of the door. Some days it works like clockwork.-on other days, at least one of them will have a meltdown, for no real good reason. Most meltdowns happen on my work-day and I wonder,is it worth it? I mean is it really worth it,breaking their little hearts,rushing them along? I know I am teaching them the value of time and punctuality..but some days, it only feels like a futile exercise to beat the clock.

Now, Ms.An…first thing to come out of her mouth, each morning is- “I am not going school, I staying home with you”  OR “I am your baby, I want you” Depending on what we are doing that day, I tell her accordingly and sometimes its alright, but almost every other day, its not. She doesn’t want to get dressed, or walk or just wants to be my baby and wants me to carry her around. We drop off Ms.A and either come back home or go for Ms.An’s swimming class or go to the childcare. As soon as I turn into the Childcare complex, she starts crying. She rolls on the car floor, sits down on the ground, refuses to move.I have to carry her into her room, where she continues her crying. It breaks my heart to leave her like that. Her carers assure me that she is fine after I leave. I KNOW she is fine after I leave, B.U.T. it breaks my heart to leave her like that and No! it doesn’t get easier with each day. I try to be strong for her, not showing her that I am crumbling inside. Almost after every drop off, I am in tears by the time I get to my car and then I wonder..is it worth it-making her cry,putting both of us through that pain of separation?

I mean I am not in a high-flying job, I am not competitive and I am not over-ambitious. But its a job I love. Its a job that helped me rediscover myself, surely its worth it..but then why do I find it all so pointless. But, if I quit, I’ll hate myself and my life. I have been spending long hours at work too,because I enjoy doing what I do.But,in the end,I find myself, running around like a headless chicken, from home, to school/ childcare centre, work-balancing the different acts of domesticity- cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. and still feeling like a loser. I have also come to realise that a full-time job is not my cup of tea. Oh and to add to my crazy life, I have signed up for a Masters course. My brain is about to explode, but I don’t think the time is right, I mean, it will just mean one more thing to take care of. My mind is jumbled up- to continue the struggle or give up? For now,I’ll keep kicking to stay afloat, hopefully the madness will go away.
Today, Ms.An had a makeup lesson at swimming and she was tired and I just let her be..I didn’t yell..she wanted me to tuck her in on the couch, instead and so I did. I tucked her in and let her watch cartoons. I came back to bed too. I just gave myself a break. Does that make me slacker mom? Sure it does…but it also makes me a calmer mom, which can’t be a bad thing, now, can it?

I hesitated to put all this in words, because saying it aloud is just validating my feeling of helplessness, but I decided to write anyway, because I am sure, there might be at least one other person out there, who might be feeling the same.I am hoping that reading this will help that one person. Just writing about it, has made me feel a bit better, may be I need to write more…May be?

Image Courtesy: Google Images

So,just like that,in a blink of an eye,I completed 8 years of blogging.When I first started my blog,I was looking for a way to document  memories and feelings,as I was at a completely new place,where I didn’t have any friends, my husband was working long hours and basically the only life I had was my virtual life.I was on the brink of motherhood and all the lovely moms I met through the blog became my close circle. I could relate to them,picture their lives and kids.It was suddenly like I had friends everywhere. I immensely enjoyed blogging,documenting every little thing that Ms.A did,writing about random things  that annoyed or amused me.
Blogging took a back seat after Ms.An was born and I started working part-time.Sometimes, it was due to lack of time and on others due to lack of energy or brain-space. I swear, if I lost my post-baby weight as easily as I lost my pre-baby brains, it would be a win-win 😀
It was a good run all along..I have made heaps of friends, learned lots of things that I wouldn’t otherwise and I am happy that I started.I am trying get back to regular blogging, but sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes, laziness does. But, as I write this anniversary post, I just want to thank you all for reading, commenting or even just liking my posts. Your words and appreciation mean a lot to me.
As always,I will end this post with a link to my very first post:
My Very First Post
Much Love,
T

Wow!I can’t believe February is almost over.
So in the last few days,I have turned a year older 🙂 I was going to write a Happy Birthday post to myself but was too busy having fun 😀
Ms.An and I ,went out for coffee after dropping Ms.A .She loves going to the coffee shop with mumma,loves ordering a babycino. Her joy was even doubled when she saw my friend N and her baby M.
This is what a coffee date with two kids looks like 😀
After the coffee date with N,we went to my friend R’s house,where I got spoiled even more. My friend S had come over with the most delish Macadamia pie and surprised me with this
I L.O.V.E plants and had been eyeing this one for the longest time and showed a picture to S,a couple of days before my birthday and she got this for me.
And then there was the wine and long stemmed roses and a watch from S. Another friend,J,walked into my work with my favourite Mocha and a potted plant.. I love it how I am thinking plants and gardens right now and my friends are so in tune with my thoughts.
Two days after my birthday,we were going somewhere and I just put my hair up in a bun,very casually and a sudden realisation hit me that I am not worried about my looks anymore. I’d be lying if I said I am not vain anymore.I am..but I am just much more comfortable in my skin.I think I am finally growing up and turning into one of those women I admired 🙂
I am still struggling with weight,but am consciously doing something to lose it.I have accepted it that all those years of neglect cannot be undone in one day..so,I am just working on  chipping away slowly… a few 100gms every week,a few cms every week..every little bit helps.
In the week before my birthday,I got in touch with my school friends.I was in touch with some of them on facebook,you know in the random ‘like’ or comment on the photo kind of way,but this is a whatsapp group and its everyday chit-chat..morning to night and it is so much fun.I feel like a teenager again.  And SP has a younger, chirpier wife .
Alright,I’ll stop here and hit the sack..more  soon.

I am trying something new- instead of flooding my Facebook timeline with random updates,I am just going to blog about it.
So today I am blogging from the deck,while I watch Ms.An’s swimming lesson. I am so proud of her for taking to the water like a fish. She fell into the water,on the first day while waiting for turn at the island. The instructor got to her in 10 secs and she came up with a big grin saying Mummy she saved my life..and then she was back to being the monkey that she is .
But, as I sit here watching her, I am missing my time with her in the pool. It could also be because of the mum& bub that’s running at the other end of the pool.
The class is nearly finished and I am going to hit publish before she comes out 😊

Finally at the gym!!Bikram, your turn now 👍👍👍