“Is it worth it?”, that’s a question I have asked myself so many times in the last week or two or three. I have really fought with myself about putting this post up-I don’t know why. May be because a lot of you, that read the blog, know me personally. But, finally the need to put it out there is greater than the fear of being judged or seen as a failure.
I don’t know where to begin. I suppose I could start with SP working long hours. He leaves at 7am,sometimes even earlier and is gone for a good 13-14 hours each day. Most days he brings work home and starts working again after a rushed dinner.Rushed dinner, because its getting late for the kids bedtime and they WANT to eat dinner with their father. So, I am yelling at them to finish their food, talk less, go to bed! They want me to tuck them in, but I am too exhausted. ALL I WANT IS FOR THEM TO SLEEP! Sometimes, like last night, Ms.An decides that sleeping is for the weak and refuses to go to bed. I get in bed with her, hoping to put her to sleep, but my mind is ticking, with all the things that I still need to do and the longer she takes to fall asleep, the angrier I get and the longer it takes me fall asleep! And before you suggest, SP tucking her in, it doesn’t work. She still waits for me. That’s even more annoying.But with all these long hours, I have a new found respect for all the single moms or the ones with travelling partners,but I wonder..is it worth it- all the yelling,all exhaustion?
Mornings are no different. I wake up, try to wake up Ms.A, she rolls over and wants 5 more minutes in bed. If its my day off, I let Ms.An, sleep a little longer. If its my work day, which means she has to be dressed and fed too, ready for drop off at her childcare. I will talk about childcare in a minute, let me finish with Ms.A. So, Ms.A, after I wake her up for the 5th time,she jumps out of bed and is ready. Brekky, lunch ( I HAVE to cook/make something fresh for her-that’s my obsession) cooked /fed/packed and my first alarm goes off -by which time, all I have done is yelled at them to keep moving/eating/stop talking. By this time, I still haven’t had my cup of tea or coffee. If the hair is done, we leave after the first alarm. If it isn’t then, its my cue to start doing their hair. Hair done, second alarm goes and we HAVE to be out of the door. Some days it works like clockwork.-on other days, at least one of them will have a meltdown, for no real good reason. Most meltdowns happen on my work-day and I wonder,is it worth it? I mean is it really worth it,breaking their little hearts,rushing them along? I know I am teaching them the value of time and punctuality..but some days, it only feels like a futile exercise to beat the clock.
Now, Ms.An…first thing to come out of her mouth, each morning is- “I am not going school, I staying home with you” OR “I am your baby, I want you” Depending on what we are doing that day, I tell her accordingly and sometimes its alright, but almost every other day, its not. She doesn’t want to get dressed, or walk or just wants to be my baby and wants me to carry her around. We drop off Ms.A and either come back home or go for Ms.An’s swimming class or go to the childcare. As soon as I turn into the Childcare complex, she starts crying. She rolls on the car floor, sits down on the ground, refuses to move.I have to carry her into her room, where she continues her crying. It breaks my heart to leave her like that. Her carers assure me that she is fine after I leave. I KNOW she is fine after I leave, B.U.T. it breaks my heart to leave her like that and No! it doesn’t get easier with each day. I try to be strong for her, not showing her that I am crumbling inside. Almost after every drop off, I am in tears by the time I get to my car and then I wonder..is it worth it-making her cry,putting both of us through that pain of separation?
I mean I am not in a high-flying job, I am not competitive and I am not over-ambitious. But its a job I love. Its a job that helped me rediscover myself, surely its worth it..but then why do I find it all so pointless. But, if I quit, I’ll hate myself and my life. I have been spending long hours at work too,because I enjoy doing what I do.But,in the end,I find myself, running around like a headless chicken, from home, to school/ childcare centre, work-balancing the different acts of domesticity- cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. and still feeling like a loser. I have also come to realise that a full-time job is not my cup of tea. Oh and to add to my crazy life, I have signed up for a Masters course. My brain is about to explode, but I don’t think the time is right, I mean, it will just mean one more thing to take care of. My mind is jumbled up- to continue the struggle or give up? For now,I’ll keep kicking to stay afloat, hopefully the madness will go away.
Today, Ms.An had a makeup lesson at swimming and she was tired and I just let her be..I didn’t yell..she wanted me to tuck her in on the couch, instead and so I did. I tucked her in and let her watch cartoons. I came back to bed too. I just gave myself a break. Does that make me slacker mom? Sure it does…but it also makes me a calmer mom, which can’t be a bad thing, now, can it?
I hesitated to put all this in words, because saying it aloud is just validating my feeling of helplessness, but I decided to write anyway, because I am sure, there might be at least one other person out there, who might be feeling the same.I am hoping that reading this will help that one person. Just writing about it, has made me feel a bit better, may be I need to write more…May be?