Yesterday was the first time,I took Aadya to school,by myself.For the last 2 weeks since Kinder started,I have had the husband and willing friends drop/pick us up! I decided enough was enough..how difficult could it be..I used to do it before..why not now. Well,I was wrong.We left in plenty of time and I asked Aadya to walk a little bit,before sitting in the stroller. It is quite a long walk- 1.5 km from home to the bus stop.So far,I have always taken her in the stroller..it was unfair of me to expect her to walk,just because I was incapable of pushing her.
Anyway,we started-me pushing the stroller,her bag on it,and she skipping next to me.We walked the first stretch and she said,”Mummy,I am tired.” I asked her to sit.Most of the walk is uphill..By the time,I walked 5 minutes,I was panting.I still continued..another 5 mins,by now,I started cramping.I asked her to get down. She cried,”But I am tired…” I didn’t want her to tire out too much ..it was a long day at school..but I had no strength to push. I tried again nicely..she said,the same thing again..The cramps,the urgency of reaching the bus stop in time(if we missed the bus,the next one was after 45 minutes-and we would be late for school)-all this irritated me.And I told her,very nastily-“You are not a good helper..Mummy is in pain and you are not helping me”.She felt very bad.I knew it that those words were hurting her…even as I was saying them..but,I couldn’t stop myself.I should have.
She got down and tried to take her bag with her.I yelled at her,thinking the bag would slow her down..and she whined…”But I just want to help you,Mummy”..as the minutes were ticking,my panic and frustration was rising…I told her..”No,its fine..just sit in the stroller.”
“No Mummy,I will walk”,she said and started walking.I was able to walk comfortably too.But,I heard her sniffling.I looked at her and saw her little lips quiver-My poor baby,was trying so hard to not cry! Gosh!it broke my heart!What kind of a horrible mother am I!!! I took her hand and we walked together..I asked her why she was crying..and she said,”Because you are not happy with me,and I want to make you happy.” That one line,became my undoing.
That one line brought back one memory-thats still fresh in memory,despite it being so many year.. I think I must 6-7 and my sister was sick-she was throwing up that day.It was the second time in less than one hour.Mom was in the kitchen,she came running to clean her and lost her balance.I saw her slipping and at the same time,ran out the door to our neighbours’ to ask if they had any medicine to make my sister better.When I came back,Mom was furious.She yelled at me for running away,when she fell down and my sister was crying.I tried to tell her,why I had gone,but she was angry and my sisters screams did nothing to calm her…until,she saw the medicine,I was clutching in my small hand.And then,she felt horrible.She hugged me and said sorry..and told me,that sometimes grown ups said things they didn’t mean..but that incident is still in my mind..and I don’t want Aadya to remember this incident!
I stopped there..told her I was very happy with her..I was just angry because we were getting late and I was in pain. She rubbed my belly and asked me if it was all better..I said,yes,it was getting better.We walked hand in hand and made it to the bus-stop with 5 minutes to spare..I asked her to sit in the stroller and gave her some nuts and water..She was fine after that..but my guilt hasn’t left me alone..I still keep seeing her quivering lip and keep hearing her,broken voice saying “I want to make you happy”…I feel horrible.. horrible.
I am not going to take the bus with her for a while-that makes me sad too..because,she really looks forward to our bus rides together…I booked a cab for pick up time today.I feel horrible…I wish and hope I get my licence soon.. 😦