15 Marbles

After I wrote,yesterday,about how Aadya went to bed herself,over the weekend..my nightmare began.
She refuses to sleep again.Last week,we had an episode with the neighbour!Bed-times with Aadya are loud,angry,tearful,you name it.. all the terrible things,put together.Add a sick Aadya to that equation and all this increases 10 folds!!!
She was being a complete brat at bedtime..kicking,screaming,pinching.Sometimes I wonder,if a Devil takes over,my sweet child at night.She pulls her Papa’s hair..bursts in loud screaming cries,starting with “Ohhh Maaaaaaaaaaaa”…and gets on our nerves. We would snap at each other,for making her cry,snap at her for screaming..and it went on.Then,the neighbour tapped on the wall.And we knew,she had had enough.I carried Aadya all night..for some reason,she couldn’t be calmed that night.somewhere,down the night,I realised that she was sick and sure enough next morning,the doctor confirmed that she had the croup.
I left a note for the neighbour,apologising,explaining how Aadya was sick.She came by and explained on her part too.But,all this has left me feeling pretty awkward and over the edge. I try to keep Aadya as quiet as possible at nights..but,I don’t know,if she gets super-loud/cranky at nights or if it feels that way!
Anyway,the last week when she was sick,I would give her dinner,then her medicine,massage,read a book,she would drink her milk and she would be fast asleep.Now,since yesterday,she started feeling better or so,I thought.We stayed in most weekend,so as to not tire her.we took her to the library and play area,and then for a walk.By 7.00pm,she was sleepy.I gave her dinner,read her book.Skipped the massage,because,she was too sleepy and took her to the bedroom.It was 7.45 then.
She started singing first,I pretended to be asleep.Then,slowly the twisting and turning.She is co-sleeping now.And wants to sleep on my arm.its fine to begin with,but gets painful,when the twisting and turning starts.I don’t mind,if its just for finding a comfortable position..but,it just doesn’t stop.I still pretended to sleep.But,after a while,the pain takes over and irritation starts creeping in and then,the pretending has to stop.That’s what happened last night too.
At around 8.30,I gave up and came out to the living room.She followed me.Then,she told me that she wants to do Noni..and Shoyi(Aadya-speak for sleep).OK,I tried again.Again,the same drama.I got mad and came outside again.Now,it was 9.30.after a while,again the same thing.I refused to go inside with her.She sat down on the living room floor and HOWLED!She refused to be pacified by Sanj..and wanted only me to hold her.As upset,tired as I was…repeated cries of Mimi mimi are enough to wreak havoc,in one’s heart and head!I picked her up yet again..This time,I just sat on the couch,reading my book.She just kept hugging me and slept.I really don’t know..why or what caused her to fall asleep then. May be she was tired from all the drama..God knows,I was.At one point,I told Sanj,that I was too tired and felt like I was getting depressed.He took her from me,but she kept whining to come back to me.
Anywho,my peace did not last for long.She woke up again at 3.1-3.30am,crying.First said No for dudu,then yes,then asked for Wotto(water),then wanted to remove her shirt,then,we changed her diaper,then,she wanted the light ON,then the light OFF,then,the FAN was interesting,then,my eyes had to be pinched open,then,she wanted to put on her shirt again..Phew,Tired OF READING??? Imagine,I had to go through it.AT 3 FREAKING AM!!! and the caps lock is intentional!
I just stopped answering her at some point..and rolled away from her. I don’t know what time she/I slept.Sanj WOKE me up at 6.00,asking me where Aadya was! Well,where would she be…somewhere on the bed,buried in the covers.
I am fairly patient with her,and him..if I may say so myself.But,its at times like this ,when I just want to leave everything and everyone and go away somewhere.Its not the anger and irritation that bothers me,its the Unmotherly thoughts,that I get of..leaving her somewhere,or leaving them both here,while I go away,or covering her mouth with my hand,when the howling starts..or just going and jumping off the cliff,that scares me and bothers me.

This morning,the crying and tantrums started the moment we got out of bed.First,she wanted me to lie in bed for some more time.Then,she wanted my brush,then,something else..and so on.Now,the brat is finally in bed…Today,I had to step outside twice,to get away from her screaming and taking a deep breath.I refused to lie down with her at nap time…after an hour or so,of her fighting,and me not responding,she finally fell asleep.All I did was sit next to the bed.A small victory,I just wish,it didn’t come after so many tears.
All you wise ones,Please help me out here…before I go and kill myself!

OH!!!AND she is not even two yet…Please tell me,things get better!