15 Marbles

This year, Mother’s Day was going to be just another day. SP was away and I had my day planned out..Ms.A’s class at 9 am, followed by housework, a bit of cooking etc.
SP has always made me feel special on Mother’s Day. The first year, he actually spoiled me for Mother’s Day was the year before Ms.A was born. We weren’t even expecting then, but he knew how much I wanted a baby – a baby girl 🙂 And so that year on Mother’s Day, he came home with a potted plant and a beautiful purple metal butterfly, because I always said that butterflies, reminded me of my mom and that they gave me hope. Sure enough, later that year, I fell pregnant.
Every year after that, he has done something special for me. He is not the breakfast-in-bed kind of a guy.. but he more than makes up for it by making sure, I don’t cook or clean on that day- that day and on my birthday 😀

When Ms.A started school, she came home with the idea of cooking breakfast for me. SP freaked out because you see, cooking is not his forte’. Still they refused to let me get out of bed and served me breakfast in bed-toast that was smeared with copious amounts of butter and my favourite tea and orange juice. When I grimaced looking at the butter, he tactfully got more slices of bread and evenly split the blob of butter on the other slices 🙂
But this year he was away for his course. The girls were missing him and I wasn’t the most popular mother, because I had refused to take them out for dinner the previous night, so I wasn’t expecting anything special.

I woke up and checked Facebook on my phone. My timeline was flooded with pictures of my friends with their mothers and immediately, I was filled with sadness.. sadness, because I don’t have a single photo of my mom and me, here. I can’t even remember the last photo that we clicked together. When I was growing up, photos were clicked only on rare special occasions. May be that’s why I click so many photos of my babies, almost every day..to capture all the special everyday moments. May be that’s why I have put myself back in the photos with them, so they don’t regret it one day, like I do. All these thoughts were racing in my mind, when two little hands wrapped themselves around my neck and pulled me close- Ms.An wanted morning snuggles. Just as we were getting comfortable, Ms.A walked in carrying a tray bearing this:

She doesn’t know how to make tea, but tried her very best, just like her darling father 🙂
She set the tray down on my bedside table and handed me her presents- A snowglobe that says – “I love you,Mum” and a pen that says ” Mum’s pen” but the most precious presents were these two notes: A hand made card and a hand written certificate

I read the notes and all those tears that were threatening to spill out of my eyes, finally did. I hugged Ms.A close and listened to hear chat about how she picked my presents out of all the presents that were for sale at the Mother’s Day stall in school. Somehow Ms.An edged in between us, as she always does, but they were happy to stay like that for a long time. As for me, well..I was filled with this overwhelming amount of love, that always engulfs me when I am hugging them both and the feeling doesn’t get old, no matter how often I do it.I think I am so blessed to be able to hold them and love them like this. I feel so privileged that they call me ‘mumma’.

I am not perfect. I second guess almost every decision that I make- Am I being to stern or too lenient? Should I let them eat this or that? Should I let her go outside without a jacket, to spare the tears or should I stand my ground, make her wear it, even if it means, there will be a meltdown? Did I do the right thing in changing her school? Do you let her tough it out or help her find the easy way? The list goes on and on..

I recently read on Drama Mama (I swear she is sheer genius and
I absolutely L.O.V.E her posts!) something along the lines of ” Stop aiming for perfection and may be then you will appreciate how good you are ” and I thought, “Perfect! This will be my motto from now on”. But there is a major problem with that. I can’t stop at being just good, especially where my babies are concerned. You know why? Its because there is someone who is constantly judging me, judging my choices..That someone is ME! Yes, I am my worst critic.
So, I can’t settle for being good. And so I keep trying- trying my best to be perfect, because I don’t want to rue, ever, in life that I didn’t try enough. I keep going back for that last hug, even after the 3 yo pushes me away and throws another ‘hate you’ or ‘ don’t want you, want papa’ in my face, for what if that’s the hug that she returns? I keep dishing out the next meal, day after day, even after they reject the last 10, for what if that is the one that they end up loving? I keep explaining again and again, asking the 8 yo to tone down her attitude, frustrating as it is, but what if that is THE time that she actually pays heed? And you know what? THat one time is worth it. May be I am too soft..may be I am pushover and they know it. And I would be lying if I said they don’t push my buttons..they do..Oh MY GOD! They do! But then, they make up for it with all the love they shower me with, with all the happy moments I am privileged to share with them.

I love it how Ms.A, 8 years old, still believes that I have magic powers. She used to hate Wednesdays because they have sports at school on that day. So, every Wednesday, she tried to get out of school. One morning I told her that I was giving her special running powers that would make her run super-fast! And she believed it. She went to school with a spring in her step and later in the day told me how my powers worked. I love watching her face, when I can read her mind.. the joy and delight in her eyes..wow! It blows my mind away.

I love it how Ms.An, almost 4 years old, still follows me around. When I am cooking or trying to study, she drags a chair next to me and offers to help. When I am cleaning, she asks me to stop and relax. I love it, how I get kisses and cuddles, every time I put her in and take her out of her car-seat! EVERY SINGLE TIME!
I love it how eager, she is to make me happy. I love it how she knows when I am sad, and give me extra long cuddles.

Yes, it is exhausting and testing and I often complain how I have no brain-space left, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, because they make me happy!My babies make me happy! Happiness is being a mother to them…

Oh! And as for the Mother’s Day that was- SP came back home that night and took us out for a lovely dinner. He had been away for 3 days and so the girls couldn’t get enough of him and watching them like that, was the perfect end to my day. 🙂

xx
Trish

..she lets them watch iPad in her bed..don’t think they are complaining 😀
  

So, last Friday was what I would call a dark day in the history of Ms.An’s daycare life. We had the worst drop-off ever. Ms.An rolled on the floor, kicked and screamed, refused to let go of me and just screamed and and screamed more. I tried talking to her, tried reasoning with her and even told her that if she didn’t stop,I would get angry. Nothing and I mean NOTHING worked. Finally, one of the carers in her room pried her off me and took her away, where she continued to scream even more.
I signed her off and stepped out of the room, blinking back tears. I stopped to talk to the Ms.G, who’s the second in command and mans the reception..Wrong move! I couldn’t finish my sentence before dissolving in a mess of tears. Ms.G could hear Ms.An’s screams,she ushered me into the waiting room and rushed inside to help calm Ms.An. She came back, after what seemed like an eternity. The screaming had stopped by then and I had finished crying too. I really appreciate Ms.G taking that time to talk to me. We decided to book her in for one extra day.
I came out,called SP from the car and cried some more. Then I came home, chatted with Mrs.R ,poured my heart out to her and cried some more. I just couldn’t make sense of Ms.An’s meltdown.I spoke to a couple of friends..it was like I just wanted someone to make sense of it for me. Anyway, at some stage, I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and got dressed for work. First time ever, I found myself smiling mechanically when talking to others and I felt so fake doing it.
Fast forward to 4 pm, Ms.A and I went to pick up Ms.An and she threw an even bigger tantrum than the one in the morning. She expected her dad to pick her up and didn’t want me. She refused to go home with me. It took two staff members to calm her down. I had to leave the room, because I couldn’t bear her crying anymore. I called SP and got him to talk to her and finally she came out with Ms.K and clung to me, still asking for her daddy. We came home, totally exhausted- she from all that crying, me from all that heartbreak. I remember standing outside her room and thinking at one point, what did I do wrong..but its over now. So we cuddled and kissed and talked about why she cried and she said,”But..I miss you and I want you and daddy and A” What can you say to that?
Well, I promised her a treat in her favourite coffee shop and a present. So, we talked about it all of Saturday and all of Sunday and then this morning, I reminded her again that we could go to the coffee shop if she didn’t cry. And that we’d go for a picnic on the weekend.
I let her take a few things that she likes,specially her little torchlight and dominoes. As we were driving into the daycare center parking,she remembered the incident from Friday and said to me in a very soft voice,”I cried so much and my teacher called Daddy” I told her that yes it was a bad day but today will be fun and she smiled.
We walked in her room, she stood close to me till she spotted her ‘best friend R’ and then she ran off to show him her torchlight. She said good bye to me happily…hopefully pickup will be fine and she won’t expect it to be the weekend straight away!
Oh! And Ms.A told her Daddy can only do drop-offs n pick-ups when Mummy is sick, so as I was leaving, she asked me, if I could be sick today. LOL! I am feeling so loved 😀
More soon
xoxo
T

Hello World 🙂
I haven’t forgotten about writing. Its just that I have been a single mom for the last 3 days. SP has been away for his MBA classes since Thursday morning and time is just going so quickly. I have just kept doing things one after the other, sometimes mechanically, sometimes purposefully and before I know it, its the end of the day. When he is in town, at least there is the sense of comfort that he is accessible by phone, although, if I call him at 10 am, he returns the call at 3pm, by which time, I have already saved the world(our world) twice. LOL! But at least he calls back. These 3 days have been like, he sends a good morning text message, then his phone is switched off till late in the night. I will not lie- it is exhausting, its alienating, but hopefully at the end of 16 months, it will be all worth it 🙂
Ms.A asked me yesterday,” WOW, it must be exhausting being a single mom ” I did a quick mental recount of all I had said during the day and couldn’t think of anything that I had said. I asked her,” Why do you say so? Did I say anything? ” and she said, “No, I can tell!” I swear, she has an uncanny way of reading my innermost thoughts. Really, she can! This isn’t the first time its happened, either. Even in the past, she has said something that has left me wide-eyed and open-mouthed, because she has just said what I was thinking about, totally unrelated to whatever we were doing at the time.
Ms.An has been teary and moody, she wants to go to Papa’s house( his hotel room) and she just wants him to be Batman and for her to be his side-kick and then she says in the same breath,” I will not kick papa, its not very nice, I will just be his side-kick ”
SP gets back tonight and we are all looking forward to having the man of home and hearts back. 2 hours to go …