Day 20 – My relationship with food

This is one of those where I put ‘my heart out there’ post. If you have read the blog for some time or even dug into the archives, you will find, that I have been battling my weight for a long time. Having issues like PCOS, asthma & Hypothyroidism doesn’t help the cause. Over the years, I have tried various diets, fallen off the wagon and started again. I have lost weight and I regained some.

I have assessed and reassessed my diet. I have gritted my teeth and smiled, when random strangers, friends, family members have given me diet advice. When I was younger, I would explain to them, till I went blue in the face, that I didn’t drink coke/eat lollies/chips or junk food. Now I am at a stage, where I don’t even bother reacting, when someone tells me to cut out xyz from my diet.

After being on a diet for most of my adult life, I know enough about what’s good for me and what’s not. I know enough about calorie counting, reading labels and portion control to write a novel about  it. After being on a diet for most of my adult life, I also know that the diets that help others lose weight so drastically and quickly that it seems like a miracle, may only help me lose a fraction of that weight in the same amount of time. I have slowly learned to accept that.Not happily, but I have finally made my peace with that.

But, in the last few weeks, I am becoming more and more aware of how much my relationship with food has deteriorated. Whether we are eating out or at home, I always pick healthy and that’s not the problem. The problem is – If I even taste something remotely unhealthy ( like a piece of toast or  little rice), my guilt kicks in.Some might say, that’s a good thing. To me, it’s not.Feeling like a criminal for tasting something not 100% healthy, is wrong. Now, if I was feeling like that for eating junk food, it would be acceptable, in my eyes at least. But for me to feel like that for eating something like a small portion of yogurt-rice or drinking a small cup of freshly squeezed lemonade – that’s just plain wrong.

And then there is the question of setting things right for 2 little girls that watch my every move and look up to me. I cannot expect them to try the foods SP and I grew up eating, when I shake my head for the same foods. They observe more than they let on. A few weeks back, we had gone out for breakfast. And instead of ordering my usual scrambled eggs and toast – that I share with MsAn ( she eats the toast and half of the eggs), I ordered a serve of french toast. The look on their faces was that of confusion. MsA, not one to hold back her thoughts said, ” Mumma, I have never seen you eat French toast or anything sweet for brunch.” Again, it’s not a big deal – it’s just one kind of food , but it is something that I grew up eating, definitely not something that I ate everyday, but as an occasional treat. MsAn has stopped eating rice, because “you don’t eat rice, mumma.”  And there are many more..

I have been extremely exhausted last couple of weeks. I was still going to work, running around with the girls, playing basketball on the days we didn’t have training, feeling dizzy on and off and  crashing in bed almost at the same time as the girls.When I analyzed my diet, for the last couple of weeks, I found two things – 95% of my choices are healthy and wholesome but I wasn’t eating enough.

This weekend, I set myself a challenge, that I will eat what my heart desires and not feel guilty. So, yesterday, I ate half of a wholemeal egg&bacon wrap (MsAn ate the other half), a kid sized portion of maggi, yogurt rice and mixed vegetable stir-fry  for dinner. Today, I ate a roti with my chai, half of a Vietnamese style chicken roll, 3 slices of pizza. Didn’t  really succeed with the not feeling guilty bit – specially after eating the pizza. But, its not the end of the world.

I don’t know where this post is going, except that, my relationship with food is making me uncomfortable. And I need to do something about it. That’s probably why coming across this quote yesterday was so timely …

I suppose, I just need –

• to find and accept my version of healthy.
• To accept that the numbers on the scales and the dress sizes are just numbers. What matters in how I feel.
• I need to lead the girls by an example. I cannot expect them to feel confident in their skin, if I DO NOT show it to them.

On that note, I will stop typing and hit publish.

More later,

Love,
Trish