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Parenting issues-Post 13

Its a 3 -day weekend this time and two days are already over.Where did the time go?
Today was quite eventful..DH and Aadi had a fight,LOL..yes,it seems funny to me,even as I read this..but,they had a fight and then,she ended up crying and then,I yelled at him and then,we ended up fighting.
This is the same thing that happenned last night.Somehow,everytime,I leave them alone..something happens and I hear her crying.It irritates me.I get mad at DH.My point is why does she cry,everytime I leave them alone.He gets mad at me,saying,I interfere when he is trying to discipline her.I dunno whats right or wrong.I just dont want her to be defiant and him to be angry.Sometimes its so difficult.
I know she cries easily,when he scolds her or even gives her a smack.I can yell at her all day,and she wouldn’t care..if she is being a brat,I plant a smack on her bottom or sometimes even give her a slap(and hate myself for it) but she doesn’t care.She gets upset and tells me so.But,when he does the same thing,she cries and screams.
He says,she does that because,she knows,I will come to her rescue..I ask him,why should he have to scold her in the first 2 mins that I am away..ALWAYS! If she is say,playing with the phone,I tell her no,if she still continues,I tell her,I will take it away,and then,take it away.She is prepared for the outcome.She protests..but settles.
His approach is- “Don’t touch the phone”,take it from her hand..and she screams her lungs out! She thrashes,he has to swat her legs/hands to make her stop,she screams more! I am tired of these ‘fights’ between the two of them..It upsets me..I sit there,feeling horrible about the whole thing and they are thick as thieves in a few minutes!I dunno what is the right approach.I have tried to make him understand..I have tried to make her listen..and now I dunno what to do.
DH is a great dad..he plays with her,takes care of her,brings her favorite treat every now and then..but he has an old school approach about discipline..or may be its because thats what he has seen,all his life.It was expected that he listen to his parents,as soon as the first word was said..My parents were the same too..atleast my mom was..it was expected that as soon as you are called,you answer and appear,but things are different now..this generation is so much more evolved..they have more distractions-the TV,the cellphones,the iPhones..My 3 year old plays games on the iPhone..its her father’s doing..my frowning,didn’t help.Now,she demands the iPhone,as soon as DH steps in..and if he is expecting a call or email,she throws a tantrum..Now,who should I blame?The adult who got her hooked or the child,who is behaving her age?
When I found out I was pregnant,I was at the doctor’s office.The doctor went out and the nurse came in started asking me questions..there were a thousand questions that she had to ask me..and my mind was swirling with thoughts.The whole thing was surreal..and I said to the nurse,”wow all this is too overwhelming..I can’t believe it that I am going to be a mom”..and you know what she said?She said,”Oh!getting pregnant is the easy bit..Now,starts the tough part..”And I didn’t believe her..I had waited long enough to get pregnant..and from then on everything was going to be easy..but no…Parenting is not easy..Its the one job,where you are always,second guessing yourself..sigh..I hope I can find a way,to either solve this problem or learn how to not interfere!

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14 thoughts on “Parenting issues-Post 13

  1. let DH know what happens when children are “disciplined” harshly…infact subscribe him to all the ” true life stories” ..that will scare the @#$$ out of him. SERIOUSLY. For a minute forget all the great things he does…baiscally we can scream at the kids because we are “bigger and stronger ” than them. I have to confess Ive done it, Gman has done it. But once we actually stopped and thought about the message we were giving the kid (our size beats the issue at hand) you just cannot do it any more.
    And the Iphone is the tool of the devil!! I think its an American conspiracy to ruin the Indian nuclear family 😉

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  2. Oh god …I know what you mean…we had the same pattern before..the Dad used to expect immediate compliance and I used to hate it when he disciplined the Munchkin..( I don’t like anyone except me yelling at my baby 🙂 although now i make him yell because i feel too awful doing it…complicated …i know)

    point is i talked to the Dad and told him that parenting is not about all the big things you provide for your kid but the day to day patience and grace you show them..because that’s what they will eventually remember.. plus my father in law was i personally think, an ideal dad…..very patient,strict loving and demanding of good behavior at the same time..so i just remind Dad to follow his own fathers example….i have seen a marked change…ofcourse he loses his temper once in a while and frankly the Munchkin mostly deserves it…but now i recognize the signs…if the munchkins dad is busy or stressed out at work or if the munchkin is unnaturally cranky…i try to limit their dealing…not a permanent solution…but so far it works..

    but i dont think we should worry because the kids are in that age where their only way of dealing with what they dont like is defiance….once they are better able to express themselves, it will be easier to bargain/ make them understand by talking…

    im not sure how helpful i have been…all i can say is i understand 🙂

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    1. Ohh thats all I need,understanding!!:D
      Seriously..I know what u are saying..now i recognize the signs…if the munchkins dad is busy or stressed out at work or if the munchkin is unnaturally cranky…i try to limit their dealing LOL!! I do that too!!! but its not always,possible to do that..n thats when all hell breaks loose!
      And yes..I hear you about not liking anyone else yelling at my baby!
      hugs..

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  3. Hey.. Very interesting & thought provoking post.. With just a 6 weeks old in my arms.. I am not an expert as u know:)
    suggest Reading ‘how to tlk to kids so kids will listen & listen so kids will tlk’ it’s a bestseller.. Harish got a copy and he did mention Reading it. Makes u rethink and change ur approach on dealing with kids:)

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  4. Hi Trish,

    Mine is not yet a year old, and we’re already begining to see the signs of “whats the worst they can do if I dont stop touching that NOW”! Whats worse is that both of us have to really work hard at keeping a stern face on while saying “NO” ,but then it’s understood that if one of us has said “No” , the other will not commiserate with the kid,because we sort of agree on most of the causes for the “NO”. Of course when he screws up his face and starts crying , I feel like a monster, even if Im the one who’s scolded him..
    Personally, I feel you’re approach is better, but you should let the DH be the judge when he’s scolding her, and maybe convince him to try your approach when things are calm and Aadi is not around to see you two strategise.

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    1. Hiii Monishikha!
      Where have you been?hope you are doing well.
      LOL!!I know what you mean about feeling like a monster.And I’m trying to “shut up”..but its hard..its like when I hear her cry,something snaps!!I know sounds crazy!

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  5. Sigh! this is all too familiar. I think you should try this ‘Be consistent in what you say and what you do – changing your stance every other day confuses the child, inconsistency between spouses, between parents and grandparents need to be resolved [though not in his/her presence], so that a finite set of rules or conditions are to be followed’… from a parenting workshop that i attended in my daughter’s school. I think..resolving thru talks when the kid is not around.. is the key here.
    My dad’s constant tip to me… Be assertive but not aggressive! Well, it takes time and loads of patience for both mom and dad to achieve this state.. so hang in there 🙂

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    1. Ohh Priya,I so hear you about consistency..And we try..but somedays just get crazy..
      And how I would love to resolving thru talks when the kid is not around-Just doesn’t happen!!
      And I like what your dad says-Should practice that!

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  6. the nurse was right u know 😉

    I think each person has their own way to deal with kids though its imp to come at a conclusion as a couple… wise advice has already been give to u I have just one thing to add…. NEVER EVER SAY ANYTHING TO HIM AND VICE VERSA IN FRONT OF HER WHATEVER HAPPENS, even he is smacking her and u dont approve of it… walk away and then talk to him abt it later…

    kids are very smart they know what to use to their advantage and when

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    1. hehe..yes,kids are smart!!
      and..why is walking away soo hard?:(
      The one thing,we have started doing is-when she comes crying/complaining about one person,then the other just ignores and tells her,why the said punishment was given to her.

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