15 Marbles

Since I started writing this blog,I consciously avoided writing about my mom..just because that part of my life is stil very raw..does it ever stop hurting? I think not.
Its my Mom’s birthday today and if she was alive,she would have been 52 and a proud grandma.
The last time we celebrated her bday was when she turned 40. She was fighting cancer and had lost almost all her hair, she was tired.. but still strong in spirits.And we were just two girls, who could see that their mom was sick..but just didnt know how sick. Coz,didnt she keep telling them,that she would get better.. and that.. wait till she feels better.. then, we’d be taken to task!
That day she dressed up, tied a scarf on her head, we sat her and dad next to each other and gave her gifts and then she cut the cake. That’s the last time we celebrated her b’day with her. But that’s not the bday that I want to remember.. I want to remember the earlier ones…the ones before she fell sick.We would buy gifts for her..and she would chide us..”Why did you waste your pocket money on all this?” We’d sulk and pout.. “Ohh Mamma, cant you appreciate it.. humne itne pyaar se laaya hai( we got you gifts with so much love and affection)” sulk some more… and she would come and hug us..” I know..I know.. I just don’t want you to waste your pocket money.. its for you “..and she would serve us delicious food.. Food that we liked.. on her B’day…
After her death, for some customary pooja, someone asked us,what was her favorite food? and we were at a loss.. Coz,her favorite kinda food was what we liked to eat.KalaJam thats the one sweet that she loved and thats what we keep as Bhog( food offered to God) and then eat it ourselves,remembering her.
And then, there are those GOD FORSAKEN friends and relatives..who have to have a say in every damn aspect of others life.. and they tell us.. this is wrong? Who cares?
Are you coming and sharing our grief? no.. then who gives you the right to come and stop us from celebrating something?
Aadya would have been one lucky girl..heck, even her mamma,would have been one lucky girl,if this beautiful lady was still alive. She pampered everyone. She was every one’s favorite niece,aunt,cousin, friend. My mom was just one of those, who you want to go running to if you are too happy or too sad. ..or even if nothing happens, you want to spend time with them. She always had something to share with you.. be it,news,politics, knowledge,tid-bits,chit-chat.. or just a cup of chai. There are a lot of people who never criticize others but there are very few, who are never the target of criticism. She would cry when watching movies and commercials, a soul so gentle, I dont remember ever having seen her argue or fight with anyone. She was a teacher,I think the youngest Head-mistress(at age 29) and she very happily gave it up,to be a SAHM mom. She took up naturopathy then. If you walked into our house on any given day..you would be greeted with pots full lush green wheat grass and some wonderful aroma from the kitchen..The wonderful aroma had nothing to do with Naturopathy… its just how I remember the atmosphere, when I came home from school.She was an excellent cook.. and she would dish out scrumptious meals so effortlessly and in no time.
She was someone who didn’t like to depend on anyone.. even when she was sick..I guess that’s where I get my stubborn..I can do it myself genes from.But she was always the first one to help others, be it a sick friend or a relative in need.
Losing her was the biggest tragedy of our lives..It was a great loss for my dad and both of us sisters..But its a fact of life and we are trying to make our peace with it.
And so,it boils my blood,when certain people try to make up feel like its our short-coming. Like its a crime to lose your mother.. And I just want to kill them, when they say things like.. OH you would know better if you had a mother.. Well EXCUSE me!! I do have a mother.. she is just not here anymore. And I know.. she would have hated them too !LOL! may be not hated.. coz she didn’t know how to.. but I am sure she wouldn’t have liked them too much either. Any way.. for now..those people can go to hell!
When I got pregnant, suddenly I started dreaming more and more about my mom..sometimes,I would wake up happy, sometimes sad. Sometimes,in my dreams ,I would see her taking care of my baby..sometimes she was taking care of me.And then,I found out,I am having a girl.. and that day..I felt so much peace.. I couldnt understand why… but I just felt happy.. and rested. Then, I had Aadya.. and I dont know why I was never scared to take care of the baby. All my friends or cousins would ask me.. what would I do,if I couldnt comfort the baby or if the baby didnt sleep.. how would I manage without any help? I dont know.. I didnt feel helpless.. The day I held my baby..I felt strong.. like I was filled with some kind of special energy.. Was it my mom’s love for me.. or was it my motherly feelings for Aadya.. I know not. All I know is that.. That was the time, when I thought of my mom,it didnt hurt so much. And when my baby cried.. I could feel her presence around.. I could feel her guiding me through..I could feel her calming me…As a newborn and sometimes even now..Aadya looks up at the ceiling and smiles..and I find myself looking up.. instantly and smiling.. On our first night home,from the hospital,Aadya just didnt want to sleep.. and I calmly found myself humming and doing things, which I had never done in my life.. but.. I could see someone else doing it in my mind’s eye… like someone was prompting me…finally after 2 hours, we put her in her crib,and the exhausted baby slept..I sat down to look at all the pictures and I saw my first pic with Aadya.. and I looked like my MOM!
Its just uncanny.. how I just felt her telling me what to do..right from the very beginning.Even when Aadya wasn’t latching on..when she got her first diaper rash at age 10 days( how I figured out that one.. I still cant explain-I had never seen one..or read about it..but when I spoke to her nurse,I found myself saying,she has a diaper rash.) I just kept feeling her around..I could hear her voice. I still feel her around..and it makes me feel nice and safe.
DH always feels a little left out when I talk about my mom..left out coz he feels he was denied the affections of a woman,who would have pampered him to no ends! Aadya will know her grandma,her Aaji through her pictures and the stories that we tell her..And I.. I will just keep missing her… when I am happy or when I am sad…or just like that.
Happy Birthday Mamma,Miss you..love you..

This post is straight from my heart and it took a lot out of me.. to just write this.. and I donot have the energy or the inclination to edit it.. so I will just publish it just as it is.