15 Marbles

[Trigger warning: Grief]

Grief has many faces – or should I say facets?

It’s not only the tears…

It shows up in ways you never imagined.

It presents itself like a rock in your throat that pops up randomly as you go about your day.

It shows up when you are smiling but don’t feel it in your eyes.

It’s there when someone asks you how you are doing and you automatically respond, “I am good,” and keep going.

It turns up when you are out walking and see someone who looks like your person or is dressed like them.

It’s the tears that prickle your eyes when you hear a familiar word or phrase.

It hits you harder on certain days when the world is celebrating… on others, you feel the gut punch as you are performing a mundane task.

Grief also splits you in two – Me before the loss & Me after the loss.

Sometimes it looks like unfinished projects…

My unfinished project had nothing to do with my dad – but I managed to source it just before my dad passed, and it sits unopened by my front door because the me ‘after my dad’ just can’t deal with it.

This me also can’t bring herself to let it go… not just yet.

But here’s the thing…

Grief has no timeline and no definite face.

Two people can grieve the same person differently, be suffering the same, and yet appear completely different.

If you are blessed with parents who loved you and were your anchors, losing them displaces you – your whole world feels off-centre, and it’s okay to be lost.

Some days, one loss just feels louder than the other. Missing my dad more loudly doesn’t mean I grieve my mum any less. It doesn’t mean she was any less important. We just got more time with him – more years, more memories and more of his love.

Grief just seems to know which part of your heart to tug at on any given day… and how hard.

Although, I wonder – and I may be wrong – whether losing a parent shakes your world in some way, regardless of the relationship you had with them…

You look for signs, anything that comforts you, shows you that they are still around.

Those same signs make you smile and they make you cry.

It’s also okay to continue living even when a whole big part of you is missing. Even when you wonder why the world hasn’t stopped.

I carry on with life, showing up as best as I can because I know my dad worked hard for me to be happy. Worked hard physically and emotionally – as my dad, while trying to fill in for my mum too.

So, I try.

I try every day.

I push through, moving forward while still holding onto the thin string that keeps me connected to the old me – the me before my dad… the one whose smiles warmed the cockles of her heart and reached her eyes too.

And then on other days, I just lay down in bed and cry my heart out because that is all I can do… the only thing that I can control in this whole world that continues to exist without him.

If you are grieving a loved one and it all seems too much, or you feel like you need to put on a brave face to show up each day… I see you.

If you are in a place where you have made your peace with your grief, I see you too.

And if you are in between, then, I see you too…

💞