Roses he saw

Long post alert !

When my dad was here for the final time, he loved going for walks around the neighbourhood. After each walk, he would come home and tell me or my sister about how big and beautiful the roses were here and that if he took the cuttings back, wouldn’t it be a novelty to have the Australian roses in their garden in Mumbai .

We would agree and jokingly scold him to not ask random people for cuttings . This was an almost everyday conversation. As the days went on, every time he spoke about the roses, we would respond- “ yes papa” “I know, papa” etc and silently tune out, as you do when your parents are talking about the same thing over and over again.

Then, he went home and everything changed .. I know he will never come back again. But, after his passing( yes I still struggle to say the D word), I started replaying all the conversations that I had had with him in our last month together . And I was hit with a bigger sense of loss and remorse for all the times I didn’t ask for more details. All the questions that I thought I had time to ask later, but the ones that will remain unanswered forever now.

One of those questions was which house had the big beautiful roses that he was talking about. So, after I came back from Mumbai after the funeral , I started walking – a lot . It was mostly to clear my mind but secretly to look for the house with the big beautiful roses.

Every time I passed a house with beautiful blooming roses in the front yard, I would stop and wonder if that was the house. I would ask him for a sign. I would try to calculate the time it would take him to walk there and back . I would wonder if he actually walked that far. More questions were added to my already long list of unanswered questions.

My quest for the house with roses continued and every time I saw roses, I was hit by a fresh wave of sadness, bigger than one before. They say grief has so many stages – I know only one so far and that’s excruciating, soul crushing sadness.

You know, when you lose someone really close to you, you start looking for signs that they are still around. I strongly believe that they miss us as much as we miss them and that this parting is as hard for them as it is for us. So, they send signs. If you think I have lost the plot, this is your cue to stop reading now 🙂

In June 2024, SP had to undergo a couple of eye surgeries and every time that he was in surgery , I just walked around the hospital block . On one such walks, I was missing my dad and wishing I could call him. And right then, in the middle of concrete towers I spotted these precious white roses.

That day I started looking at flower laden rose bushes as a sign that my Papa was still around and still looking after me as he always did . He was and is my strength and nothing will take that away from me.

Fast forward to November 2024, I had to give something to one of my back neighbours. And as I walked up to their door, something caught my eye – in one of the neighbouring houses front yard were ‘These roses’. Big! Beautiful! Roses !!

I knew, then, without an ounce of a doubt that THESE were the roses my dad was talking about. They were at the right distance away from home. He would see them again and again as he walked around the block. You see, in my search for the roses I was walking farther and farther away from home, but they literally in my backyard.. well almost. .

Now when I see roses as I am walking or driving, I still tear up but on some days, I manage to smile through my tears. I smile and say ‘ Thank you’ for sending me a sign!