15 Marbles

Moments.Musings.Memories. ❤️Gathering little marbles from ordinary days and keeping them for our memory jar. ❤️

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  • Breast-Feeding

    Its been so long since I posted anything..Lots of things were going on..I had a lot on my mind..was going through an extremely volatile emotional phase..But now,peace seems to be restored in Aadyaland and here I am,finally writing about breastfeeding! Thanks for checking on me Asha

    Hmm,So, Breast feeding..where do I start?? I had been told by well meaning friends that its not as natural or easy as it sounds.. and I wanted to do everything right..so,I went for a breastfeeding class at the local hospital.. The instructor there assured all of us that it requires a lot of patience and practice.. but there’s only so much you can do. Just look forward to it with a positive attitude.. and that’s what I did.. but things started going wrong right from the beginning!

    When I first saw Aadya a couple of hours after her birth, she was starving..i was tired.. and we had this over-bearing acquaintance in the room,who took it upon herself to help me! I politely refused..she wouldn’t hear it, even when the nurse told me that we’ll try it after everyone leaves..What they were doing in my hospital room,so soon after my delivery..well that is a memory i just want to block out.. may be I will write about it some day!
    Aadya got scared/upset and just wouldn’t latch on..she actually pushed my breasts away. and this lady all but grabbed my crying babe and tried to force her to latch on to the other side!! Baby was crying..I was crying.. And stupid me couldn’t tell her to get out of my room! Anyway, I asked the nurse to give me a bottle so I could feed her.
    Day two- she was still not latching on,screaming bloody murder every time I tried to get her to latch on.I still wasn’t able to sit up,and couldn’t figure out a comfortable position of both of us.The more she cried,the madder DH got!!She cried,I cried.. DH was upset-it was a mad house. Then there was the lactation consultant..I hated her!! She walked in,asked me to unbutton the snaps of my gown and told me how I would have more than enough milk for my babe.how I was doing it all wrong,how I would never learn to breast feed!!!!!Her mannerism and way of talking was so hostile.She may have had all the qualifications but lacked the basic courtesy and consideration towards others!
    We got home,my baby still wasn’t latching on.
    I went to see another lactation consultant-this time one recommended by Aadya’s pediatrician and she was so much nicer.She told me that I had inverted nipples and suggested using nipple shells between feeds.I kept trying to get her to latch and everytime,she would just cry and I would end up expressing..I was expressing the milk and bottle- feeding her. I kept trying,crying every time I nursed her,coz she was crying.I was sure she was scared of my big breasts.All my life..I hated being big busted.. but never more than I did just then. I hated having these big melons,which were doing nothing to pacify my crying baby.We kept trying and trying and then one fine day,nearly a month later, just like that she latched on.I nursed her with tears streaming down my face.Slowly we got rid of the bottle and she was exclusively breastfed.
    Then one night,she just wouldn’t sleep and kept crying.I called up the nurse, who asked me massage her tummy and use warm cloth as a hot water bottle.It worked that day,only to get worse the next.She was miserable whole day and must have slept about 3-4 hours during the entire 24 hours..We went to the doctor..who asked me to stop breastfeeding,stop eating anything that had protein in it- eggs,milk,wheat,soy..etc and just give her formula and see in 2 days. Two days later, her tummy was better.. but still not in good shape. It turns out my baby was “Breast milk Intolerant”-There I said it!! She told me stop nursing her till she turned 3 months old,coz by then her own digestive system would have matured enough. I was devastated,but kept pumping milk to keep up my supply.
    By then,Aadya was so addicted to breast milk and cozy nursing sessions,she refused to take the bottle. She lost a lot of weight and even when she started gaining it , the weight gain was very slow. This was a very emotional phase for all of us. Aadya would get upset,when we gave her the bottle.I would cry when I pumped..and when I fed her.. DH was unhappy too..All along there was this sadness in our household. To make matters worse,MIL who was around kept asking me at every feeding time, when I was going to nurse the baby!!! Finally,when she turned 9 weeks old and her tummy was fine but still gaining minimal weight.. her Ped asked me to start nursing her once a day and if it didn’t upset her tummy gradually increase. I said a little prayer and tried nursing her that day.And she refused to latch on! God!!I was going crazy..so now she wouldn’t take the bottle and she wouldn’t latch on. I tried again next feed..same thing. I tried again first thing in the morning..and she gagged!I thought she was pretending so that I would give up..I shared this with my friend AW and she explained how she couldn’t be faking it.. she could actually be gagging because of the difference in texture of the two nipples ! God!!I felt so guilty after hearing that!! Things were back to square one and so I started reteaching her to latch on,like the first time.Only this time I knew what to do,instead of fumbling around..But she knew her mind too.She wasn’t a 2 week old ..she was a 2.5 month old and knew exactly what she wanted to do!We tried the same,trying to latch one first,giving up to express routine again..and again..till she got used to being breast fed again. Cut a long story short..finally she latched on..better than the first time and I am happily nursing her. But this time I give her the bottle too,just so god forbid, if things go wrong, she wont fuss about taking the bottle.
    She is gaining weight again touch wood..though its not as much as I would like it to be.. but at least we are going forward.
    Whoever said Breast feeding is an emotional experience..was so right! I was emotional when I couldn’t feed Aadya,I was emotional when I was nursing her,I was emotional when I was pumping.. even now,I always have a catch in my throat when I nurse my little babe..I thought it would go away in a couple of days.. but may be not..Its just the purest most selfless thing a woman can ever do..but in my case,my need to nurse Aadya was much greater than her need to be nursed..May be it doesn’t make sense..DH tried reasoning with me how I was doing it for her well being and I totally understood it.. and I would never do anything to compromise her health.. but I just felt so incomplete,like I was failing at mothering her..DH pointed out how she would stop crying the moment I picked her up or held her..I knew that meant that I was doing something right..but still there was no explaining this helplessness and sadness that was slowly engulfing me. I just hope that after this our breastfeeding progresses smoothly.
    Sending up a little prayer and keeping my fingers crossed……

  • Dont just smile-Say Something

    I just read this post by Kiran

    and it reminded me this family. I had refrained from writing about this because I didn’t have any child rearing experience. Not that I have a lot now.. but..anyway…
    So, we met this family when we moved here.They invited us over for tea once. They have 2 kids- the older one -almost 4 and the younger one 6 months(at that time).We both love kids,I was pregnant…so were more than happy to accept their invitation.We spent over an hour looking for age-appropriate gifts , bought a cake for the hosts and were on our way.
    When we knocked on the door,we were greeted with a loud war-like cry.DH told me it was the kiddo(Lemme just call him Kiddo).The Dad opened the door and there is the kiddo running around in the living room,throwing around some blocks as he does that…The Dad tells us, he is just excited because we have company. We think -Oh cute.

    We gave them the gifts.. kiddo grabs his gift and excited tears open the packaging and starts to look at the toys ( we gave him a beach bucket with all the accessories for castle building and bubble making) .Excitement over, he starts to throw everything .. at the wall, at us..at his parents and even at his younger brother. and we are there dodging the flying blocks. I looked at DH..was this the wrong choice of gift? But it said ages=3+. Well, we’ll know when our munchkin is 3+ and we get that gift for her.

    Next,he grabs his brothers gift ( a musical turtle)and starts to bang it on the floor. All the while parents are just watching, smiling.Neither one attempted to stop him.We just smiled.When bored with all the banging..he decided it was time for kickboxing practice. Kickboxing and running.He starts to run around the living room again, kicking all the chairs and their occupants.And his favorite spot to hit was the belly.I spent the rest of the hour shielding my belly.as we got up to leave, he got mad as to why we were leaving and started with first punching his dad in the belly, and then DH .It was then that the mom belatedly realised that I was pregnant.. and scooped him up to stop him. I kept cribbing to DH all through our drive home.He shushed me up saying”Its their kid, surely they know how to handle him .May be if there was a kid his age, he would behave differently”.So, I kept quiet. We met them again on a couple of occasions and it was the same.Even when there were kids his age,it was still the same.He would then channelise his energy into beating them. And the parents still didn’t try to stop him,even if he was wreaking a havoc in another person’s home or hitting another child.

    The last time we saw them was while I was still at the hospital,after Aadya’s birth. We knew of their arrival, from the loud shouts and banging on the door. The nurse had to come and stop him, while the parents just smiled and said..”Oh he is so mischievous.” Once they were the in the room,all hell broke loose. He tried to take a look at the baby,started shaking the crib and almost toppled Aadya out of the crib,DH steadied the crib just in time.Again the parents did nothing to stop him all they had to say was-“Ohh he loves to look at babies”.Screamed in Aadya’s ear to wake her up..I asked DH to just take her back to the nursery.I didn’t want my baby to end up with a broken ear drum or worse. Baby out of the way, he started to focus on other stuff..”OHHH Camera..”he starts to throw it in the air…I yelled at DH( poor guy) to “take the camera away from the KID!!”All the parents had to say was- oh, he is not allowed to touch our camera so he is excited to see yours. Yeah Sure! Next he took the lid off of my dinner plate. DH put it back,he took it off again.This time DH told him No! and off he went to explore other interesting things in the room.He found the nurses call buttons near the door. And started pressing them,turning the lights in the room on and off.The mother is still sitting, talking..Father is outside holding their baby. I told the mom to ask him to stop …and that’s when she disinterestedly tells him..No kiddo don’t. and continues chatting.He doesnt stop,I point out to her again, he is playing with the buttons again,then she finally gets up.By then kiddo has spotted the crackers on my bedside table and wants them.I offered him some.And what does he do- opens the packets one by one and drops the crackers on the floor and crushes them with his shoes.All the mom has to say is..”Oh ,the hospital staff comes to clean the room everyday ,right!” I am like WTH!!!But even before I can answer her,Kiddo has toppled over the water pitcher,on the bed. That’s it..I had had enough.I just told her-“I think Kiddo is not comfortable right now,why don’t you guys go now.. and come back some other time.” She mumbled something about him being tired..and said goodbye.Needless to say, we haven’t heard from them after that.

    I dont blame the kid in this whole thing and nor am I being judgemental.Kids will always be kids and its their business to be naughty .But at the same time,its our job as parents to check them when they are wrong,reprimand them for bad behavior and if need be even smack them on the butt! I know after reading this post DH and so many others are going to say”How can you say all this,when you are not in their situation?” No,i am not in their situation, and I cannot change their situation but I can surely do something about it ,where my baby is concerned. And thats what I intend to do.Even now when we go out to eat with others,if Aadya gets fussy,one of us gets up and paces outside with her..so that atleast the others can enjoy their meal peacefully.If its just us and she is very fussy, we just ask for boxes and pack up the rest of our meal. If she is acting stubborn and just screaming (read throwing a tantrum) to be picked up,I pick her up, try to catch her eye and talk to her.. that does seem to distract her and make her forget why she was crying in the first place and then happily put her back on her play mat or wherever she was. Does she really understands what mommy is telling her?I don’t know. Has the angry screaming reduced?Yes!

    Will I be able to do a good job in mommying her?I dont know..But what I do know is if she is going to act up when she grows up,she is surely going to be put in her place.If she is being mean to other kids,she is going to get a big speech from Mamma and Papa and if need be even a smack on the butt.I am not going to just stand there and smile and not say anything. How well we do at this? I guess I will have to do a follow up post on that in about..3 years.

    Edited to Add:- Before I get bombarded with emails and phone calls from Aadya Fan Club,I just want to assure you all that she gets her share of hugs and cuddles.The “not picking up” is because over the last few weeks ,she has got too clingy and so its just an attempt to break the habit. Because now it has reached a stage when she wants to be held all the time.. even when she is sleeping; the moment I put her down,she stretches and wakes up!

  • Happy Father’s day to Aadya’s Papa

    Its DH’s first Father’s Day and I had been thinking about doing a special post for him…First I thought I would a do a post with all his favorite pictures- of Aadya and Of Him and Aadya together..Then I thought I’ll write a letter to him from his precious Princess.. And then it struck me why not write a note to him telling him how I feel of his new role..So, here I am pouring my heart out to the newest DAD in my life…..

    Hey Sweetheart,

    Happy Father’s Day to you!

    This year,on your first official dad’s day… I just want to tell you how happy I am that you are my daughter’s dad. When I first met you,the one of the many things that I liked about you was that you were so involved in your family- How you always took the time to accompany your parents to their social obligations,I had not seen that in guys our age..and so it just touched my heart.. earned you a special place there 🙂
    When we were dating, I was the one going ga–ga over babies and you… well, instead of freaking out and running away from commitment, just smiled and indulged me.. taking me baby shopping, any time you had to pick up gifts for your cousins or friends kids 🙂 And the way you would pay attention to detail and to each child’s likes and dislikes.. just warmed up my heart a little more…in fact a lot more.
    On the day of our engagement , when I introduced you to one of my nephews as “Uncle”, the way your eyes widened,I was a little worried about how my plan of “house full of babies” would work..But instantly, you recovered and happily took up your new role as “Uncle”, clowning around with my naughty nephews and nieces.Who does that on their engagement day.. ? That day I thanked you by getting annoyed.. but today I want to say..”Thank You”.I loved you even more from that instant.
    When we got married and started talking about babies..you would just smile and not say much.. making me think.. if you are really ready? And then, we were left holding Baby Tuktuk,when her parents missed the train and I saw you comfort that scared baby. The way you kept your cool in front of that screaming baby.. and all I could do was just watch you in amazement.That moment I knew..that I may not be as ready as I think I am but You are definitely ready to have a baby.
    When we were trying to get pregnant, and I would get disappointed and depressed with every negative pregnancy test,you kept me going. When I was ready to give up, you were the one who told me ,its going to happen. Last Mother’s Day, when I was so raw and emotional,you brought me a cake and a plant as a mother’s day gift…That beautiful plant with its cute purple butterfly.. is by far the best gift you ever gave me.. For that told me how much you love me.. and also made me hopeful all over again. Could that be a reason for Aadya’s fetish with Purple Butterflies? Coz I did get pregnant in the very next cycle.
    The way you hugged me when the doctor told us about my positive pregnancy test and how you took care of me and our unborn baby for the next 9 months was amazing…. I never expected you to just take charge of the house as if you had been doing it all your life.. those special cups of tea that greeted me as soon as I walked out of the bedroom.. were my special treats.. and not to forget the foot-rubs, that I shamelessly asked you for,no matter how tired you were 🙂 Driving out to god knows Where all, just to look for the perfect flavor of ice cream or just the right tamarind Chutney or yummm Thai TOMYUM soup just because “The Baby wants it”
    I collected all the baby books and pregnancy books,You read them.. and cross checked on the Internet..while all I did was “Be Pregnant”!
    When I got gestational diabetes, you so selflessly gave up eating sweets, your favorite treats.. I know even I cant do it so effortlessly *Blush*

    When you got lost in wonder looking at Aadya, when she first saw the lights of the world and how you held her for the first time, forgetting everyone including me what I saw in your eyes was pure joy! And watching you both together,was just so so sweet… What was funny was that the nurse had to nudge you 3 times before you finally let go of your precious bundle.. only to follow her to the nursery.. Now, when I think of those moments,my eyes water up and a fond smile plays on my lips.. and when I watch you sleeping peacefully with Aadya lying happily in the crook of your arm,I feel so so blessed.

    When I watch you with Aadya,I know things will just get better and better .. you will just get more and more involved.. be a part of her life today and always..Whether you are sleeping with her, rocking her, blowing raspberries on her tummy or just changing her diaper.. all I see is love!! I know you are a great dad and will just keep getting better and better..:)

    When you say thank-you to me every single day for this Precious Gift ,Aadya..I just smile.. cause I know..she is as much your gift to me , as mine to you.. And I also want to just tell you Thank-you for all the love, joy and happiness you have brought to my life.. 🙂

    As I end this note,All I want to tell you is… Be healthy ,my love.. for there are so many more wonderful days awaiting us… so many beautiful father’s days when Aadya would be a more involved participant of the celebration rather than just being a cuddler ( though I know thats all you need right now..)So, sweetie, take care of yourself.. be healthy..beat the diabetes.. For me and For Aadya…

    Happy Father’s Day,My Darling!!

    I just read this today-

    “Its so much easier to become a father than to be one”<somewhere

    -Kent Nerburn

    And I know.. this is just perfect for you…because you were a father in your mind and heart even before you became one.

    Love you loads,today and Always

  • Happy Father’s day!

    “A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.”
    Enid Bagnold

    Father’s Day, A day to honour your dad..A person we take for granted so easily. He is so involved in our lives from the beginning of our existence..He is the one who nurtures us, pampers us,spoils us and disciplines us and yet, its so easy to just take these things for granted.
    We expect our dad to be there, when we need him..to sit by our bedside when we are not well, to bring home special treats and if god forbid he forgot, to sit and coax us to change our mood. We expect him to foot our bills for expensive shopping trips,even if not even a single thing bought is for him.
    We expect him to pick and drop us at ungodly hours, no matter how tired or how sleepy he is.
    We expect him to appreciate every single gift or card we give him…even if all we say in return of his gifts is ..”Ohh Wow“!

    We drag him to restuarants at times way past his bedtime and expect him to make funny conversation..and then pout..when he yawns. He brings home fresh tender coconut water, because you love it and if he forgets one day.. you make a fuss…”Oh Papa,I was waiting for that”…
    He loves you, He pampers you.. He cares and just makes everything right in your
    world.. and what does he expect in return…???
    Well,Nothing!! Just that his kids are happy and successful..that they remain blessed in
    everything that they do,that they enjoy all that they want..that they never have to say” oh well,its OK” for want of something.He just knows how to give..freely- His love, his well wishes, his blessings..His heart just stretches naturally to include every new addition..That’s what a
    father is.. Always there for you.. Always loving..
    And though we take him for granted in our own daughterly ways..its time to say

    Thank you!!!

    Thanx Dad, for being a sport about everything-Thanx for loving us the way only you can..Thanx Papa,For being you!!

    Happy Father’s Day!