15 Marbles

I started to reply to all the comments about my previous post in the comments section and then realised that it was getting too long and so decided to do another post-this time in a more relaxed and not-so-irritated mood.
Mona quoted from a book she is reading –what makes us do that to each other though is our own insecurity – our own fears that our decisions are not the right ones. and we can only validate our decisions by finding people who make similar decisions or converting people who make radically different decisions.
This simple statement says a lot and may be I see the logic too..But I am the kind of person,who hardly passes a judgement about others,so its kind of hard for me to accept it.I think try to weigh the other persons feeling, circumstances and reasons,before finally forming a judgement or opinion about them.And may be that’s one of the reasons why I don’t like confrontations,because I just cant find a smart retort to say then and there and then I keep brooding and fuming long after the moment has passed. But then by expecting the others to do the same,am I not trying to validate my own decision?
I have always refrained from commenting on SAHM and WM debates simply because I cannot seem to side with any one side.Both sides have their share of positives or negatives. While a SAHM might envy a WM her alone time(even if surrounded by an army of colleagues), a WM may be jealous of the SAHM’s leisurely spent day(yeah right!)Like Anitha commented on how she gets a hard time from her SAHM counter-parts.I come from a family of working women..both my grandmothers were working full-time too.My mom was a full-time WM till I was 12.And then, one day,she decided she wanted to be home for her kids and didn’t find it a tough call to make. I have seen her balance both her work and us brats and so am so in awe of all WM.But being a SAHM makes me realise how wrong I was to think my mom was free! She took that time to pursue her other interests and hobbies-We had a beautiful garden,always blossoming with flowers,which was the envy of the whole neighbourhood and while I burnt the midnight lamps,studying for my 10th, so did my mom,to get her Naturopathy diploma! She was a full-fledged Naturopath,before I passed 12th and all that despite managing a busy household and fighting Cancer.Anyway,so back to the post.. I knew it even before I got married or even had a boy-friend that I wanted to be a housewife for a little while.I always had an interesting career lined up in my dreams too and the plan was to take a break for a few months and then go back to work. Partly by circumstances,partly by chance and partly due to my own laid back attitude I ended up never seriously looking for a job. And again I was clear,that I didn’t want to stay away from DH and since his job meant we move often,I never got around to aggressively looking for a job. The one time that I did look up seriously, took up volunteering and they told me they’d hire me,I got pregnant.I was clear that I didn’t want to work toward thru the last trimester and due to my erratic cycles,I realised I was pregnant when the first trimester was practically over.I didn’t think it was fair on my part to take up a job for just 3 months..when someone else,more needier, could get it and keep it longer!Again I always knew,I wanted to be home with my baby for the first few years of his/her life..so you see..everything turned out pretty well.And for the first time in so many years I am happy where I am.
And normally,I am pretty unfazed by these discussions simply because I am happy. When we moved to Texas,DH asked me if I wanted to think about getting into research( which was a big deal to me at one point of time) and I was sure,I didn’t want to NOW! Few years down the lane-may be..or not. My dad harassed me over the phone and all through his trip about “doing something with my life”..I told him..not so sweetly(sorry dad) that I am doing something with my life!!He stayed here.. and saw that I was indeed content being just a mom for now.But its when I come across people like the last lady I mentioned,that make me mad! like Rayshma said ” one of them *whom i barely know* even went to the extent of commenting on “how diff can it be to get a work permit?”… well, none of her biz really, is it! “-
Yes, its none of her business!Same goes for the said person i wrote about- She is not working,a housewife..and so how can she question my choice? Sure she used to work a long time ago.. and So did I!It will be like me telling another SAHM ..oh why don’t you put your baby in day care and look for a job..But I wont..coz I cant bear the thought of my child being in a day-care..Hypocrite rite!!
Anyway,enough said..let me tell you something nice now.
Last Thursday,I got a call,from a fellow blogger-Shobana.It was just so nice talking to her. First time that she called,I was putting Aadya down for a nap..turned out,she didn’t want to nap at all..finally after 2 hours,I gave and returned Shobana’s call. This time,it was my turn to leave a voice mail and she called up promptly. It was really so comfortable,like talking to an old friend..none of the awkwardness of first time calls.I love talking and almost monopolised the conversation..I think I hardly gave the poor girl a chance to speak.And she thinks,I thought she was quiet..You know what’s funny.. in an odd way,it reminded me of my first phone conversation with DH,(then new guy)-I was this bubbly cheerful blabbering nutcase and he the quiet,calm listener…
Ohh the funny thing about my call with Shobana– I asked her very enthusiastically–Ohh so what was your line of work? and she said nutrition..when it belatedly struck me that it was right there on her profile on her blog!Silly me..Now you know..I am really a scatter-brain.
Shobana is such a sweetie..she mailed me the first time when I wrote about my mom and since then, we have exchanged occasional emails.When I wrote about my lump,she asked me for my number..tentatively..and then let me blabber before finally asking about the lump.Its like she is there holding hands,silently hanging around.Thanks for taking the initiative,girl!
This reminds me of another incident-the day my mom passed away, we were naturally going crazy. It was way past 10 and our friends were still with sis and me.We are really lucky to have this group of friends.Even today,they are the ones I look up to when I need something.Sis was hyperventilating and everyone was hovering around her..trying to comfort her..Finally,our family Dr. gave her a shot to make her sleep..I don’t know when,I started crying again silently.And a friend who is normally the quiet types,came and stood by me..quietly wiped my tears and patted me on the head, in the most loving protective gesture. Then, he held my hands and asked me to talk..something anything..just talk.I can still see it as clearly as that day. That one gesture..made him extra special to me.He is still a very special friend. And a great guy at that..Any single girls,looking for a great guy?Sometimes,even the smallest of gestures can leave an ever-lasting impression on your mind.
Hmm.. see this is what happens..when I sit down to write with a clear mind!!I will stop here.
And 2b’s mommy.. now that you are a good girl.. sure you can come back..:)

Why don’t you use cloth diapers? Why don’t you handwash the baby’s clothes? Why don’t you take up a job?Why don’t you stay over at your dad’s for a few months? Why don’t you celebrate the baby’s birthday at your dad’s?

What is it with people these days? Just about everyone has some pearls of wisdom that they want to share with me.Is it well-meant advice or just a judgement of my choices? Well,whatever its irritating me like hell!

An old friend recently moved back to USA.And I was really happy talking to her,catching up on the last 2-3 years.We talked about this and that and then,like all mommies,got to talking about our babies,deliveries,etc.What seemed like an innocent exchange soon turned into a Question and Answer round or should I say the game of one upmanship!

A- Did you have a normal delivery or a c-sec? C-sec.

A-Ohh if you had tried harder,you could have had a normal delivery. Well, No..the baby was in distress,so C-sec it was.Did you have a normal delivery?

A-No..But I was in labour for almost 10 hours.hmm..it doesn’t matter,as long as the baby is fine.

A- So, who came for your delivery?No-one.

A- Your sis doesn’t know what its like..she hasn’t seen anything, you should have called MIL!She could have helped.Umm..Helped? How?Surely I wasn’t going to ask her to help me change or anything.And what’s there to know..wasnt there a doctor just for that!

A- Ohh with your shower n stuff..I think we managed pretty well.(I was active till the last day of my pregnancy,took a shower the day after my C-sec and helped DH warm food the day I came back from Hospital.And even took care of sick DH and Sick MIL at one month post-partum! So,I think we were fine.and no,I did not tell her all this.)

A-(Changing topic)-So,do you use cloth diaper or nappies for the baby? No,just good ole’ Huggies.No time or energy to wash after every poopy or wet diaper!

A- Why don’t you use cloth diapers.You have washing machine at home na?! Yes! (but just two hands and only 24 hours!)

The rest of the conversation is a blur in my mind. All the excitement I had of catching up,kinda fizzled off! May be there is nothing wrong with this conversation.But,when I think about it..A spent 2/3rd of her pregnancy and 9 months post-partum at her parents place,because she was too tired.Her only job was to feed the baby(self-confessed)..Someone who doesn’t even know how many times her baby needed a diaper change, certainly doesn’t have any business asking me why I don’t use cloth diapers for my baby.

Another friend who spent more than 6 months post-partum at her parents place and always jokes about how her baby knows her grandparents better than her father..started explaining me how its no big deal whether DH is present with us on Aadya’s first birthday or not.Apparently,it is a big deal to me and to DH.It was my choice to stay with DH through out my pregnancy and I stood by it.Sure,I have my downers and crib about how I never got pampered or how tired I am..but,I would never trade those precious moments we spent dreaming of our baby,together.

Breast-feeding or formula? Are you breast feeding?Yes! Then why are you giving her a bottle now?because! When do you plan to wean her off?umm haven’t thought about it! OH you should have weaned her off by now!( Umm don’t I get to decide that?)

Are you working?No,I am a SAHM. Were you working before you had the baby?No,I didn’t have a work permit and besides,I was happy moving around places with DH!Oh..you should have worked!(Can I decide that,Please? Please?)This is a question so many of us are asked. Somehow,a lot of people find it hard to understand that may be this is what I want to do,right now! I have these moments when I think that may be I should take up a course or a job.. and then I bug my good friends AP and V, about what I should do! AP is the sweetest person I know.She always has something nice to say..she has her calm way of explaining,all the while trying to understand where I am coming from. V on the other hand, has a lot of experience and knows exactly what she thinks about ABC.. and she doesn’t hesitate to give me a piece of her mind. But,I love them both and don’t mind what they say. And besides,they tell me when I ask or share my confusions with them.I always come away with a probable solution or some idea worth saving .We are a mixed lot truly-AP- quiet and serene.ME-excited and confused.VD-A lot more assertive and just Precise.Anyway,I digress..

So..back to pesky Questions- This lady,DH’s ex-classmate met me on chat( what are all these people doing on my list-Don’t ask!) and asked me –

So, how’s life?Good!

Did you guys apply for GC?No, we are not going to.We want to go back!

So, are you working now?No,I am a full-time mom.

Ohh,not working ,May be if you were working you would feel differently about GC!No,I dont think so! are you working?

No! But I keep busy taking courses at the community college. Oh so don’t you have classes today?

No! I am on a break!

See what I mean! I don’t even know this person well enough for her to ask me all these questions.We were at a party last year and this woman tells the group in general,”Oh I hate these housewives”..She paused then, turned to me and said.”Oh no offense haan”I said “why would I take offense, when 2/3rds of the women were housewives in that particular group.I asked her later, she was a housewife too, then… and has been ever since…And she was meeting me for the first time!I don’t know.. when I meet people like this,I wonder if they ever think before talking.I mean how can you judge another person’s choices?

You make a choice-because you think it is right for you.If anyone has a right to question your decision,its you!I wish people would just mind their own business and not tell me what to do? And,then sometimes I wonder if I have “Punch Me” written in big red letters on my face!

I just had to get it off my chest and so just typed without editing..so,if you are still reading,sorry its a jumbled up mess !