Mommy guilt..Day 26..

4 years back when we had first moved to Melbourne,Aadi was a very very poor sleeper.And what was worse was that she took F.O.R.E.V.E.R to fall asleep. SD was working super-long hours,Aadi was super-clingy with me and I was literally lying in bed with her for 2-3 hours at a stretch,only to have her sleep and then wake up within 10 minutes of me slipping out of bed.Add to that equation an impossible neighbor and I was at my wits ends.
One time I had gone without rest for more than 2 days..the only rest I got was 5-6 hours of sleep each night. I snapped.The neighbor had taken to leaving notes on my door and I couldn’t take it anymore..When Aadi didn’t sleep,I picked her up and came out to the living room..She looked out the window and was scared of the dark.She started crying and I yelled at her.Its very rare that I yell at her when she is crying..I tell her off later and now,we argue..when she is throwing a tantrum..LOL! the joys of having a girl!
Anyway,she started crying and I yelled and she cried even louder..SD tried to take her away and she refused to go to him..I was ready to snap…SD pried her away from me,she continued screaming..I locked myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes..or may be 5..I don’t know.But when I came out,I was calmer..but she was still crying.I hugged her and we cried some more together..It was one of those moments when you feel so hopeless and helpless that you don’t know what to do with yourself. But it passed..and as soon as I cuddled her,she fell asleep. But I still feel guilty when I remember that night or when she is scared of the dark.
Anyway fast forward to 5 years later,tonight-Nanhi was so sleepy.She was literally walking into walls.I was trying to rock her to bed,and she kept sliding off my lap.SD tried to pick her up and she thrashed at him.Just sliding on the floor and thrashing and rolling.I picked her up and took her to the back door.I felt guilty,but I pointed out the door-“Do you want to go out there?”..”No”,she said.. “Ok then,go to sleep!”I told her..and surprisingly she just snuggled up and fell asleep and my guilt increased by 10 times. First about not being so patient with Aadi and second about introducing Nanhi to the darkness..:(
I thought a lot about putting this in words and about publishing these words,but I had to get it off my chest.Please don’t judge me…I am only a mom.My only consolation is that Aadi doesn’t care about the dark anymore..she now knows it gets dark because of the sunset.As for Nanhi,she is a fearless chickie.. I think when I asked her,if she wanted to go out there,she didn’t want to go bye-bye..I think! That and in a couple of years,she won’t remember this,just as Aadi doesn’t anymore..BUT,what about me? I don’t think I’ll ever get over it:(